Everyone has to understand something, because it may not be big, but I've figured something out. Until I'm comfortable with being myself, I can't be comfortable with you. That sounds weird now that I've said it out loud (meaning it made more sense when I said it in my head and when I had lots of things to back it up...) nontheless, let me attempt to explain this to you. I'm not like every girl. I'm extremely loud. I'm sarcastic. I make sick jokes when I get into an uncomfortable conversation I can see no other form of exiting. I'm a procrastinator like no one else. I'm too tall for my own good. I have an extremely short temper, and little things throw me over the edge. I hate shopping for "cute" or "girly" pants, because frankly...none of them fit (take today as an example, after trying on 14 pairs of pants, one pair fit). I would rather lounge around in my PJ's eating ceareal from the box and watching Saturday morning cartoons all day than get all "prettied up" and go out somewhere. I'd rather lay in Zack's arms forever without doing a single thing than getting some. That's just me. And you all have understand that that's just who I am. I can't help that. And while I know that you said that, and you get some idea of what I mean by this, Zack, you have to know one more thing.
I am just not ready to open myself up to you like that. I get weird, I know, I clam up and break the comfortable silence with jokes and my ridiculous laugh. I don't mean to be mean to you, or tease you, but I just can't handle what's being given to me.
My body is something I haven't gotten used to. And while it's been the only body I've known for 16 short years, it's still foreign to me. I'm not used to the attention that you give me, I'm not used to the love that you give me, and I am not used to the undivided attention that you give me.
I'm sorry that I got all weird today, but there's a lot of stuff going on in my mind, and a lot of things I need to sort out. Just give me time to clear my head, and know that I just need you there to love me.
That's all.
