Yes, I did update two hours ago.
So it's hit me. It's finally true, and it's not just a feeling, bceause I now truly believe that this is the way it is. My Dad just doesn't care about me. How fucked up is that? That at 17 I believe that my Dad truly doesn't give a damn about what happening to me or what's going on in my life. And have I done anything to deserve this? I think not, I can't exactly recall a time when I did something so horrible and so detestable that my Dad would go on and do something like this to me. Blantantly ignoring me, and not trying to find out how his moving to another country is going to effect me. I'm hurt. Oh my God am I hurt, it stings and it makes me want to cry, and it's heartbreaking beyond belief knowing that my Dad can't take five minutes out of his pot-filled days to fucking call me to ask how I feel. Granted, my Dad's never been one to really care about what's going on in my life, or ask if I'm happy or not, but you'd think that a grown man would ask his teenage daughter how she feels about him leaving, especially when it's during her senior year of high school.
I had a dream a while ago that he died in a plane crash on the way to Brazil. When it happened, it was the scariest thing to think of...but now...is it horrible that I don't care? That I feel contempt in my dreams seeing it happen? That doesn't make me a good daughter, I know that, but he's been a shit dad my entire life, I'm tired of caring.
Bottom line is that this sucks. That when I write a diary entry about how miserable I am that my Dad's leaving, Zack turns to me and says, "I'll never leave you." It's the greatest feeling in the world, when the man responsible for giving you life has turned his back on you, and the love of your life tells you that no matter what, he has unconditional love and won't leave your side. My Dad has scarred me, he's corrupted me and put me as the go-between between him and my Mom. (How fucked up is that?) I know that he tries sometimes, and deep down he loves me, he's just never been able to show me how much he loves me. It's like I'm just here, every other weekend (when I get there) or the occasional visits.
I want that loving family. I envy that so much. When kids live at home with their Mom and their Dad, and everything is for the most part stable, and there's love and no fighting, no child support and no court ordered visitation rights. There's no carting the kid between houses every other weekend or talking bad about someone else behind their back. When they want their dad, he's there. Why couldn't I have that?
And yeah, I'm happy with the way things have turned out now, and I damn well know that this is for the best, but I'd give anything to have my Mom and Dad still be married, and not to have to grow up with Step-brothers and half brothers and half sisters. Because it's confusing, for me and other people, and it's chaotic and it's exhausting.
Why can't life just be normal?
