It's hard putting a smile on when Zack's not there, and he's the only thing that can actually make me smile these days. It's hard talking to and seeing fathers with their daughters at the store, and not automatically envy the love that they share. It's hard not crying every second of the day before I feel so helpless, and so alone...because no one really knows what's going on in my head. It's hard not punching out Patrick's face because he ate all of the Hamburger Helper, and I'm left with nothing to eat. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's.
I'm not okay. I'm an emotional wreck, and I'm starting to get depressed again. Way to go, Dad, making another thing go wrong in my life.
I need Zack here. I need those hugs and kisses, the comfort and the love. I'm not getting that here. Mom's always preoccupied with Caitin, and I hardly ever exist to Patrick. Kind of like my Dad, huh?
I know that I'm not looking at the bright side of things. Like the fact that I don't have to work for the next two weekends (which makes me wonder what the fuck I'm gonna do for money) and the play will soon be over, I don't have to wear spandex like I originally thought I would...and Zack non-stop tells me he won't leave me. Yeah, I focus on the bad stuff. But that's me, I've always been like that.
Get used to it.
Work was Hell, but I found out that from now on I get hour long lunches on Sundays. That makes me very, very excited. I get to see Zack during work.
I'm going to go scrounge up food (asshole Patrick) and read more of The Virgin Suicides. Pretend I don't feel like crying myself to sleep.
