Two months. Can you fucking believe it? Off and on for an official six months. That's even scarier, isn't it? Would've though that I could get into a realtionship. A relationship like this, where I can honestly say that I have fallen in love. It's sickening hearing about this, I know, I used to hate reading diaries where people talked about how they were in love. Honestly, you can't bash it until you've experienced it. That's something I've learned through all of this. I think that, slowly, I'm becoming more patient. I have such a short temper sometimes, it doesn't just piss me off, I know that. I'm learning to trust myself with Zack. Learning that I don't always have to hide things from him because I'm afraid of getting hurt, granted he's told me he won't hurt me, there's always going to be a side of me that's afraid to let people in. But still, I'm slowly learning to trust him with things about me.
Because there's a lot about me that I'm ashamed of or embarrassed about. Some of those things I bring on myself, others I can't help. One thing that I always have, and will for a long time, hold in the way of the relationship is my parent's divorce. It's something I cannot help, and no matter how hard I try to not believe it, love does die. My Mom kept her mouth shut a lot during my parnent's marriage. My Dad picks a lot of fights, gets drunk a lot, there's a big list, but I love my Dad...and some of the things I just don't want to acknowledge. I've grown up in a world where it's almost expected for people to fall out of love, and I'v seen the bitter ends of those. I've seen my Mom cry after relationships end, I've seen her heartbroken more than once, and I've seen the pain that she's endured. I don't want that. I'm not strong enough for that. That's one thing about my Mom I've always envied, she's so damn strong. Sometimes it's turned against me (we can sure as Hell get into a screaming match) but for all of the things that I wish my Mom passed on to me that didn't...is her strength.
I could in no possible way handle half of the things my Mom went through without breaking down. I know that I've said these words, but I've never been in love when I said this. I don't know how I could handle things if they were to end with Zack. And it scares the shit out of me that I've opened up to him so much and so fast...and that there haven't been any reprocussions. It's not that it's gotten to the point when I'm dwelling on the fact that something bad could happen, or something could go wrong, but in the back of my mind...every time I open myself up I know that I'm setting myself up to get hurt. And whether Zack does it intentionally or not...I'll get hurt.
But for right now...where I am in the relationship right now...I have no complaints. Because I could lay in his arms forever, and I would be more than happy.
