I learned, today, that I have been completely blind and outwitted for the past two years, one month and 9 days. I put myself out there, telling him things I'm scared to tell, addressing issues I'd rather not be, and confessing my deepest secrets and insecurities because I know that's what he wants. That's what he needs. I've been honest, and upfront, about things I'm deathly afraid to admit or own up to. I want him to know that I trust him with my heart more than he'll ever be able to understand. That even though people I've trusted have fucked me over in the past, I'm not going to let that stop me from allowing myself to fall in love, trusting someone fully and completely with my heart and my happiness.
With that said, is it scary? The thought literally keeps me up at night. I know that, by some twisted turn of events, everything could come crumbling down, in a matter of split-seconds. Tyler got into a car accident, I saw the car today; Tyler could've died. I then look at Zack and that how easily that could've been him, or it could've been me. And what is there that I'd regret? What little thing or phrase or insignificant detail about my life would be missing from "us", leading to something incomplete? Nothing. Zack knows everything.
When we went to Oak Marr to swim, we played the game where one person holds the other in their arm, gives them questions and everytime they get one wrong they get dunked. My favorite color is red, favorite shape is a star. Favorite actress is Julia Roberts, favorite sex position is... The point is, he got everything right. While I didn't.
This seems to be a pattern. It's a simple analogy, but it works. He knows it all. Every feature of my face, every little girl antic I have about falling asleep, my favorite type of kiss and when to expect my demands for "I love you's".
After two years, one month, and 9 days I've learned something. I know hardly anything about Zack. I know he loves animals and fish, he loves his job, I know the perfect way to his pants, his favorite sex position, his favorite comic book character, his favorite movie, colors... but do I have any idea what keeps him up at night? What causes him to have a meltdown at 11 o'clock at night? Do I know what scares him most? Why he contemplates breaking up? Truthfully?
He said it himself. It's hypocritical of him to demand honesty and truth every moment of the day when I get nothing close to it in return. He's being a man and owning up to his faults and wrongdoings. That's I guess the first step to recovery, admitting you have a problem? Real world speaking, not high school speaking, our relationship is new, naive and very, very young. We've got a lot of growing up to do.
And I'm okay with that. We've got the rest of our lives to do so...
