After this entry I don't know how motivated I'm going to be to update again.
I basically E-Mailed my Dad (I posted it below) to let him know that I'm no longer going to E-Mail him. That he's no longer going to be a part of my life. I need someone, anyone, who at all understands what I'm going through to help me. I feel so alone, so fucking alone, I need someone to talk to. Zack's at work, please...
I'm not okay right now. I don't trust myself, which is why after this E-Mail and a good application of make up (sorry Zack) I'm going to the mall and treating myself to dinner. I'm going to buy the biggest ice-cream and buy the biggest stuffed animal I can get.
I need Zack more than I've ever needed him before.
Here's the Email, if you're interested...
I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitter. I'm not hurt. When you left you told me you weren't running away...that's such bullshit! All you ever do is run, Dad! I feel like I'm constantly beign left behind or am always trying to catch up with you. I don't get it, and I'm tired of feeling that way.
I was allowed to read the E-Mail you wrote to Mom. She said nothing but handed it to me, and I wan't allowed to read the response she wrote to you afterwards. I don't have much to say to it, other than FUCK YOU for using her cancer against her. You have no idea what that's done to the family, and especially to me. YOUR OWN DAUGHTER! And what the fuck was that, about scaring her? Managing money? A college education costs money...oh wait, I'm sorry...you wouldn't know that now would you?
Am I bitter? Yes, hey, just like you see Mom huh? Point is, I'm busting my ass paying for car insurance and gas, she's graciously paying for my car payments, and this Wonderful Husband of hers is now going to have two children to put through college. Don't make it seem like we're supposed to be on easy street, medical bills cost money, cars (more than one, that runs at least) cost money, giving your children that "extra little something" cost money. Stop making it seem like she's this irresponsible person, throwing money around like it's nothing then running, begging to you like it's no big deal. You're a fucking last resort, Daddy Dearest, always have been.
I want you to know this; I'm cutting ties with you because of many things; none of them being influenced by Mom. She begged me to understand that even though her relationship with you is over, she wouldn't be upset or offended or in any way upset if we stayed in touch and had a good relationship. Maybe it's because I was raised by her, but I can't help but take offense to the things you've said (trust me, I know she's said things also, I'm not blind) about her, to her...both of you use me as excuses and it's fucking tiring. I'm sick and tired of being everyone's excuse.
As for Marie...she fucking stole you. If it weren't for her you'd still be in the states...
Throughout my (wonderful) relationship with Zack I've realized that I've latched onto him, as a male figure, more than any other man. He's your replacement. He's who I go to, my sweet relief when family problems bother me...he's the number one man in my life. I'm going to marry him, did you know that? He's going to be here, with me, every step of the way. I'm not naiive enough to think that if you were still here in the States that i'd have you with me, through college and work (I'm majoring in Elementary Education, by the way), I know that's unrealistic, but the point is, I've seen him every single day since last May. He's number one to me right now.
Don't use the fact that you've been out of a job for six months as to why you're not paying any more child support. THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT! You're the one who packed up and left, claiming that things are always greener on the other sides. "Things just aren't working out for me here, babe, I've got other oppertunities there that I don't have here..." I remember those words. Those were exactly how they were spoken to me when you left. It's all how you see things, Dad, just know that. I see you as running away, that's my opinion. You see yourself as moving on and getting things together. Whatever.
I want you to know how I see you Dad: weak. You succumb to all of the bullshit, buying every piece of crap anyone ever speaks to you. Oh, and the pot smoking thing...you have no idea what that's like for me. I can sit there and say that it doesn't bother me, and the fact that you've done it in front of me has never bothered me, just know this; I always thought it was a little odd that you always claimed to not have money, but at the end of the day you always had that little "bit" of cash stashed away for pot. Hmm...strange.
Mom's not innocent, this hateful words and awful email exchanges, I know, aren't a one sided deal. And I understand that...but I refuse to be the reason for this. It's fucked up and it plays so many games with my head. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS SEEM LIKE NO ONE CARES HOW I SEE EVERYTHING PLAYING OUT? You think I enjoy seeing my Mom and Dad hate each other as much as they do? You think it's easy for me to sit back and watch my parents bitch like four year olds all the fucking time?
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling so shitty because of you, I'm letting you go. I'm done. Deep down I love you...it's just sometimes, I find it really hard to find.
I know this is immature, and this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done, but this is what I feel I have to do. As fucked up as it is, as irrational as it may seem, I'm following my heart. And for the first time, I can't see you there.
Your daughter,
-Shannon
P.S.
Come to graduation, don't come to graduation, I don't care anymore. Do what you fucking want.
P.P.S
Tell Steven I love him. Tell Steven that no matter what I'm going to be his big sister and I'm always going to be there for him. I miss him more than anyone can undrestand, and it sucks that there's always going to be a monstrous gap in our relationship because of petty shit between adults. I love him, and I miss him...I hate you that much more because of it.
I have to get out of the house, I have to get away from this. I'm tired of crying...
