It's scary how I can make myself think something so much, and I don't take into consideration othe fact that I'm affecting other people. (Did I use the right affect/effect?) I've never mattered this much to anyone before, I've never had people depend on me so much, it's surreal, and it makes everything that much harder to stop. I don't mean to hurt him, and dammit he doesn't deserve it. I don't want to scare him, I want him to know that I'll be fine. I'm going to try my hardest. But Zack, this is so hard for me. You have no idea how hard this is. You tell me that I need to figure out how to do this on my own, and that I have to be strong...I can't! I hate being alone, I don't want to be alone. I need your help.
I need help.
I've never said that before. I've never asked someone for help with this, but...and it's scary. This whole "ordeal" is scary. I don't know what to do, I've never had someone care about me so much. I've never had someone love me like you do, so here I am. Alone. Helpless. Weak. Begging that you don't get mad at me, and please don't be dissappointed in me. That killed me last night when you said that. I almost started crying again. Please, don't be dissappointed in me. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't mean to hurt me...I just...I said I had gotten over it because I didn't want you to worry about me. I didn't want you looming over me and making sure that I was all right. I wanted you to have one less thing to worry about at night...and I feel horrible for burdening you with this. If I tried to explain to you why I'm doing this you wouldn't understand. You see me very diferently from how I see me. Sometimes that's good, a lot of the times it's bad. I'll reitterate that my self-esteem is for shit, I'm insecure...yadda yadda yadda. This all leaks into why.
This is why I never told people in the beginning. I didn't want poeple worrying about me, I didn't want people watching me eat out of the corner of their eye, I didn't want people to talk about my anorexia behind my back. I didn't want the fact that I have an eating disorder to be vocal and talked about.
Why can't everything just go back to the way it was?
