Heather & Eric told me today that they could tell I wasn't happy. Well dammit. Guess I'm not as good at pretending as I used to be, huh? I dunno what it is anymore, I don't know why life can't be one giant fucking ray of sunshine anymore. I wish it could be. I wish I lived on an afternoon special because I would always get asked to prom, or to homecoming, I would have the perfect clothes, I would become friend with my enemies after arguing for an entire episode, I would have all of resolutions solved before I went to sleep at night. Who knows, maybe I'd be happy once in a while.
I'm tired of censoring my diary by saying what I can to not get in trouble. Thinking that I'm going to offend someone when I write in my journal. Well I'm tired of that, if you don't like what I write then stop reading it. If I'm not putting forth all of my emotions & thoughts then what's the point? This is a place for me to express myself...isn't it?
So...here it goes.
I don't regret breaking up. I regret that again, I'm hurting someone I truly care about. I don't need to be told that I did the right or the wrong thing, I don't need to be told that I can do better or I'll never find someone like him. I definitely don't need to be told that I was wrong for dating him and hurting him again, therefore making me a bad person & not taking into consideration other people's feelings (unfortunately that was my Mother who told me that) I need to be told that you all are here for me, no matter what. That as long as I'm happy I did the right thing.
That's what I'm trying to do. Find a way to get myself happy...on my own. I wasn't happy, and that's no one's fault. No fingers are being pointed and no one's getting the blame, because with my unhappiness you can't blame a certain person.
It's because I'm depressed. It's because I have a horrible self image and like nothing about myself. It's because I don't know how to react to things the way people expect me to. It's because I slowly feel myself slipping away from all of my friends.
But that's what I'm working on.
On my own.
