I can't put into words this feeling. It's nothing I've really been through before, and it's the worst feeling in the world.
I feel so alone. No one gets me right now, no one could because even I don't. I don't know what I need to hear, I don't know what I need to happen, but I feel more alone than I ever have before. I don't know what it is, okay well I do know what it is, I just don't know how I'm going to be able to fix it. I'm afraid to admit my feelings, to myself, to the diary, to my friends. I've always told myself not to live with regret, don't do things where you may even think you're going to regret it or want to change what happened later. Don't tell everyone how you feel, keep some of yourself a secret.
I make myself live by these rules and I end up hating them, but I force myself into doing them.
*Don't let people know how you really feel, you'll end up getting hurt
*Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve, keep some of yourself a mystery
*Don't let people know how unhappy you can really be
*Think everything over a million times until you want to claw your eyes out so you don't live with regret and end up hating yourself for what you've done
There are more, but I don't want to admit all of them. I can't even admit to myself my deepest, darkest secrets, because admitting them would mean (to me) I've failed at something.
So I'm starting new, I'm changing something to maybe help myself out (instead of someone else, what a concept!) I'm finally recognizing something of myself that you know, maybe I shouldn't be so ashamed to admit this. So I won't be.
I miss Zack.
In a way it felt good to hear Tyler say that Zack said he'd never date me again, I guess it was a form of closure. But, subconciously it stung. Because no matter what else I say, deep down I really miss him. I don't need to list why I miss him, you all don't need to know that. The only problem is...does he deserve to know that? Should he know that no matter what, if he wants to or not? The people I could turn to before I feel I can't anymore, him being one of those people.
He's the one who helped me get happier when I was so unhappy before...so who do I turn to now?
