Sometimes I do make myself too vulnerable, and I have done that in the past and have gotten hurt but right now I don't care. Making myself vulnerable is the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning. Yeah, sometimes I think that I'm being too blunt or too obvious or making myself look bad, but I just stopped caring about that. I don't think he'd hurt me...no, I know he won't hurt me. That may seem stupid or like I don't know what I'm talking about but it's not true, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I know that sometimes love just dies but I don't see that happening anytime soon on my behalf, so I don't give a fuck if people feel that way or not. I'm happy, and this is the first time that I've been happy in a long...long time.
No matter what anyone thinks, last year I was miserable. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who my friends were, my best friend was dating someone I couldn't stand, I was just lost. I was pretending to be happy, I had to be strong for other people. I don't regret that though. I don't like people always knowing what I'm feeling. It makes me feel...vulnerable. I want other people to be happy around me, I want to help my friends and tell them that everything would be fine and peachy and nothing bad would ever happen. But in the back of my mind, I don't know if that's true or not. It's not for me to decide in the end, and I hate that.
Up until theatre, and during some of it, I was absolutely miserable. I was so depressed and I hated everything about myself. But I dunno...my Mom and I have always pulled through, together. And now I realize that all I had to do was talk to her in the beginning of my unhappiness to make things better, or to try to get them better. My Mom and I were poor, I realize that now, we were poor until I was 8. My stepdad saved us basically. We were alone and had eachother to rely on, that was basically it. I can sit here and say that it's made me grateful for everything I have and that I'm always respectful, but everyone knows that's a lie.
My point is...I found happiness in places I didn't expect to find them. A giant resolution with my Mom, theatre, being with Zack, I'm seeing things through a whole new perspective. I'm not trying to be deep or poetic or whatever to impress people, that's not me. I'm telling you how I feel, if that makes me vulnerable...then fuck you if you hold anything I say against me. I'm living my life the way I want to.
