Once again I'm led to believe that I'm a total idiot and am messing up something good. I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that I'm saying stupid stuff, or just too much stuff in general. I hate opening myself up to people, I feel small and weak. I'm generally an independant person, I don't rely on other people for anything, but lately I've been feeling like that's all I'm doing. I need to stop, I'm recognizing this.
Last night I said too much, I didn't want to but I did and now I regret it. I'm afraid he thinks I'm always holding something back or I'm lying when I say I'm happy. Why do I always do this to myself? It's like I get started then don't stop, I should've stopped. I already feel to vulnerable and you all know how much I hate that feeling.
I'd like to stay that there was a constructive conversation with David and I but it's no where near over, we need to finish it face to face and we'll probably do that today, but with Zack there it's be confined to a couple certain things. I dunno what to do about that, I don't even know if I still wanna go to the movie today or not. No, I do. I just know that when I go I'll end up getting frustrated and my whole Orlando coming in on his white horse will be ruined. (I'm just rambling, that could never be ruined.) David's one of my best friends, why am I so goddamned scared? There's a lot we don't talk about anymore that we need to, but I dunno. I'll let you know how that goes.
Wish me luck.
