I've calmed down a little, the news has settled in and now I'm acutally processing facts and actions. I'm so upset though, still, I don't know what to do right now. The usual Orli sites or watching the Rivendell scene in LOTR probably isn't going to make me feel better, as it usually does. The one person I love the most right now isn't here, and it's pissing me off. (Tomorrow Shannon...tomorrow!) So he's sick again, from my Grandfather's last surgery the wounds didn't heal, and trust me, it was the nastiest/grossest thing I have ever seen in my life. I'm sparing the details because I love you all and don't need to explain what his amputated leg looks like closely after it has happened. So now they've taken above the knee, taking the (big) chances of him ever walking again and basically flushing it down the toilet. They had only 10 more days until they were supposed to leave for Minnesota, the one thing he wants to do before he dies (next to golf again.) He's adiment about going, but the doctors are shaking their heads behind his back, telling my Grandmother things that makes living another year seem impossible and as though it's going to be unbearable for him. No one deserves this. The worst part is no one knows if it's disease related or anything, no one knows what to "Call" what's going on with him. It's just happening. It seems like a freak accident.
I just need a good cry. I don't tell people about how often I cry, I feel weak and vulnerable (or more-so than I probably should.) I don't tell people how often I cry myself to sleep, but I trust you all with this information, because if you honestly cared about me you would hold nothing against me. I need to cry about a lot that's going on, a lot that's happened, I've grown from most of them/learned from them/hated people because of them/etc., but no matter what I haven't cried about a lot of them.
I think that sometimes I'd be better off if something drastic happened to me, like an illness or something. I need something to happen where I'm sure that I know exactly who my true friends are, and who's going to be there for me. I'm not saying this to scare anyone, I'm not contemplating suicide (been there, almost tried that), I'm not hoping to fall deathly ill or anything like that, I just want to know who I can trust. I'm tired of second guessing myself when I tell someone a secret or something about myself and fearing what they might do with that information. Then I'm becoming vulnerable. The one thing I truly hate in life.
Well it's been a long day, and frankly I'm glad it's over. Good night.
Sweet dreams.
