The hardest moments for me are watching Fathers and their Daughters leave the store together. I'm always watching them, the way they act when they bring everything to my register and how they laugh or pout as they get their items checked out, how they act when they leave the store. The girls never realize how lucky they are. Maybe I didn't, maybe I took for granted all the time we spent together and wasted away hours moping that he didn't care, when I should've spent more time with him and realized how selfish I was being. I got two messages from him on Christmas on my cell, and never ended up talking to him. I have yet to figure out why he's being so weird about calling the house, but I still feel horrible. I cried Christmas night when I realized he'd called and I'd missed the second call. This is hard for me. I now that Meredith and Allison both call me strong, and Zack insists that I'm not a mess and I'm not flakey, but no one sees the behind the scenes. I find pictures of me and him and cake my mirror, then get frustated and take them down, hiding them in boxes scattered in my room. And I know that he's not the best Dad in the world, and he's got unbelievable faults and horrible moods and bad habbits...but I miss them. All of them. He loved me, he still does...and he loves me the only way a dad can love his little girl, and I can hardly remember what that love feels like anymore.
I've started countless letters to him that I can't bring myself to finish. One's too happy, or too sad, or too depressing, and I end up hating it and throwing it away. I want to tell him how happy I am about Christmas, describing my ring, telling him of my new books, laughing that I got Goonies on DVD, telling him how much I loved seeing Peter Pan...but having him read it isn't the same as having him hear it from me.
I know that in retrospect, May isn't that far away. I'll be sharing my two year anniversary with Zack on the 8th, he gets his liscense on the 28th (I think...) and Dad comes back to visit. But it seems so far away. I don't think I realized how long it would be when he left, I was completely caught off guard when he said he'd be leaving so soon (I had been under the impression it would've been after Christmas and before New Years) so I hadn't prepared myself for being without him so long. It's hard, I'm not going to lie and say that I think about him and miss him and smile at all the good times I had...I harbor over the petty fights and the stupid things we've both done, and want him to come home so I can tell him how sorry I am that I've been such a crappy daughter and haven't been there for him like I should've...
I just really miss him, and everyone I've been around lately doesn't seem to understand that. I can't stay mad at him for leaving or being such an ass for so long, and I can't hide behind Zack everytime I go over there...this is just hard. I'm not strong enough for this.
...I need to go clean my room like I should've last night.
