I already have my binder decorated (because it's what I do) with pictures and magazine clippings and all that. I've got my paper in my binder. I've got the purdy dry-erase board for my locker, two notebooks, two composition books, a couple folders (one Lizzie McGuire, as a matter of fact, and pencils and pens out the wazoo. My phone will be charged after Zack and I get off the phone tonight, I now know where my keys are (way to leave them in the ignition all night...go me!) and my new backpack is ready to go. I've got my mascara and lip gloss sitting out, my rings and bracelet by the sink, the fish food out because I can't forget to feed Scarlet until after school, poor guy didn't eat until 3 today.
I think I'm ready.
It's hard to believe that I'm about to embark on my Senior year of high school. As much as I'd like to sit on my ass this year and not give a damn, comfortably coming down with a healthy case of Senioritis (because it will eventually come, I'm in theatre...) I've got to get my shit together. If I want to stay at GMU to be near Zack and study to become a teacher (where I really want to go) I have to get practically straight A's. Now, the likelyhood of that actually happening is pretty slim, I know I'll only be truly getting A's in two classes (journalism and creative writing), so I've got to work. I need to study, do all my homework...and for the most part; simply care. I've never really done that before, too bad, too, because now I'm regretting it. I think I've finally got my head on straight, and realize that I need to actually work to get something good, for a change. Who knew it'd take me this long?
So there are 26 days until my 17th birthday. Hoo-fucking-rah. I think I know, for the most part, what I want to do, so that's nice?
So...now it must be confronted. Why does it seem like someone's putting the blame on me because of the end of a friendship? I knew that once she started dating Adam, Emily and I were going to fall apart. I didn't like Adam, I didn't like who she was becoming when she was with Adam...why would I want to be around her? Over time she got back to her usual self, but every once in a while I wasn't talking to her, she was like someone new. And I didn't like that. I felt extremely threatened by him, and what he was doing to our friendship. Then, there was Zack. Someone who I could tell everything I used to tell Emily to, and I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I was completely and totally uncensored with Emily. She knows almost everything there is to know about me. Knew. She knew almost everything there was to know about me. I fell in love with Zack faster and harder than I had ever known possible, and suddenly I understood Emily. I understood what it was like always having someone love you, kiss you, and be there for you...but as a boyfriend. I'm not saying I don't regret losing her, I was just offended that in her last entry it was made to seem that it was my fault we fell apart. I had my group with theatre, and she had her group of friends that I just didn't get along with. As cliche as it is, we just grew apart. I'll always love her, and she will always be considered my best friend...but I have to admit and acknowledge that things are very different now than they used to be. As sad as it is. I know I'll see her tomorrow, and when I do I'll give her a hug...possibly stifle some tears. I still care, I still worry and I still love her, none of that has changed. I hope she knows that much...
I'm going to get ready for bed. 'Night.
