Why do people try to make me feel like everything is my fault? That no matter how hard I try in my life I'm the cause for something to get screwed up, or I'm just a plain fuck up myself? I wonder if people give me enough credit for the things that I put up with, or don't say, or pretend I don't hear or recognize or see...people don't realize that I know a lot of what's going on. I talk to a lot of different people. That's not a threat, that's a statement. I wish people would realize what I go through.
I miss Beth.
Funny, isn't it? That when something is bothering me to the core I always mention Beth. At camp the summer before last, I wasn't as close to Beth as I am now, but we were pretty close. It was skit night, and on skit night...I always cry. I cry, that's just what I do. And that summer was hard because I had only recently found out that Grandma had cancer, so I lost it. I was practically hyperventilating (sp), I couldn't catch my breath, so I stayed downstairs (the room I was in at camp was upstairs) and went to the Meeting Room to get some water. I guess Beth heard me, because she came to see if I was all right. We ended up sitting outside on the front of the porch on the Girls' cabin for an hour, me crying because I was talking about Grandma. She told me some things about her I couldn't imagine. I hadn't realized someone as important in my life as Beth, and someone with such a beautiful heart as she possesses, could go through such turmoil and pain. (Nothing of which I'm going to talk about in the diary.) She told me things she said she hadn't told some of her closest friends, and I did the same with her. I miss that. I wish I could go back and make myself realize that I would look back on that experience and smile, because that was when Beth became one of the most important people in my life.
I just wish I could talk to someone like that now.
...because I don't.
