Sometimes I just want all of the answers. I just want to know why everything in my life has played out the way it has. And there are times when I wish everything was completely different. I hate who I've become. I hate what I've become. I don't understand why I've turned into something I can't stand.
First off, there's my Dad. A huge, gigantic pool of embarassment. When I was little I worshipped him. I was Daddy's little girl, and it was incredible. His arms were strong and empowering and he was the strongest man I had ever known. I miss being so naive. My father was stoned through the majority of my childhood. Birthdays, holidays, P.E. Shows, plays...my entire life he has been surrounded by this cloud. I can't decide who will regret it more when he dies, me or him. I hate Marie sometimes. I hate the fact that she replaced my mother. She replaced this whole in my Dad's heart, and seemed to fill it perfectly. They were supposed to be together forever. "Till death till you fucking part", right? Marriage is such a fucking lie. Sometimes I don't want to get married. It only leads to divorce. And then fucked up sixteen year olds, just like me.
I'm a joke. I'm getting prepared to take down all of the posters in my room. I'm not sure if I'll put them back up. I'm just tired of looking at things that remind me what a loser I am. What a horrible person I've become. I hate being so depressed. Everything I've ever done in my life feels like it's for nothing. We're all going to die. Who fucking cares how happy or depressed I am now? In the end, we all die the same. Alone.
Heh. "Zack Loves You" says the piece of wood sitting across from me. I can't fucking for the life of me figure out why. I'm such a basket case. I'm silently crying as I type up this piece of shit entry. I can't figure out why someone could love me. A stupid girl who whines, and hurts, and complains about every little detail of her life. I'm such a child at heart. I can't understand some of the simplest things. Maybe it's a gift that I can underestimate people's feelings. I don't know, it's the only possible answer for me right now. I feel like I'm daily dissapopinting my mother. I feel like the slutty shirts, the low-rise pants, the dyed hair, to heavy eye-liner, the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life is a joke. Is there a meaning to life? People are always looking for answers. Bitching, moaning, whining, pleading with God. Why? WHY? WHY? Who cares. You're going to die just like the rest of the world. It doesn't matter how happy, in love, how sad you were when you were on earth.
Everybody dies. It's something everyone needs to realize.
I'm tired of everyone treating me like I'm a joke. I'm tired of people underestimating the fact that I'm depressed and can't seem to find happiness. People around me try, they want me to be happy, they don't want me this upset. I'm lonely, though. I have people around me who want me to open up to them and I can't talk. Not necessarially that I can't, but I won't. Beg, plead, demand...nothing matters. I can't fucking open up to people. It's not physically, emotionally or mentally possible.
...unless you see this whining fest as me opening up.
I don't care what people think of me anymore. I honestly could care less. I've only got a year and a couple of months left with you people before I don't have to deal with any of this high school bull shit anymore.
I don't think I'll be writing in my diary for a while. Then again, I'm so indecisive, I could write an entry tomorrow. I think I just need a break for a while. But I will come back. Eventually.
Don't ask me to justify myself tomorrow. Tonight. Now. I won't talk.
I think I just need a vacation from this life.
