I know I'm just overreacting & that the feeling of me wanting to beat my brother to a bloody pulp will eventually fade, but I just can't help it. My family is so screwed up, honestly. I wish my Mom & Dad could've worked things out when they were married, I fear relationships because of them. It's their fault that I fuck up friendships and relationships. I'm not trusting enough, I'm always afraid I'm messing something up then I don't always say what I mean or I say something I don't mean, regretting it later. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce. Things would be so different, I know that. Times would be harder, I know that. We wouldn't have the money, I probably wouldn't have this computer, I wouldn't live in the house and I might now even go to Fairfax HS, but sometimes I think it'd be worth it. I'm so jealous of the peope whose parents never got a divorce & live together as one big happy fucking family. I'm so envious of that. My parents have had joint custody of me since I was 2, when they got the divorce. Dad pays child support every month and I see him only every other weekend. When I was little I remember crying because I didn't want to go to my Dad because a friend was having a birthday party or I just simply didn't feel like taking the 2 hour drive to get to his house with my Grandparents in Fredericksburg. Seeing my Dad used to always feel like such an obligation for me, & sometimes it still seems that way. I feel guiltier now because if I don't see him because Marie will make a comment on how she hasn't seen me in a month or so, like it's my fault I have theatre or have to watch my sister or want to go to a friend's birthday party. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Then it eats away at me until I see him & promise that I'll stay longer the next time I come. I wish I had a full sibling, meaning I wish my parents had another kid after they had me, because I'm tired of being the only Serum in this house.
Ok I don't feel like whining anymore. I'm probably going to go see Spiderman today, if people go with me or not, I just need to get out of the house for a while. So toodles.
