I hate my brother. & I hate the fact that I always find myself defending him when I'm talking to my Mom or my Grandma, or anyone else for that matter, about him. I'm tired of that, I won't play that game anymore. I mean, honestly, what's the use? Why should I take responsibility for him when he won't take responsibility for himself? I know I'm not perfect or always do things right, but I admit when I fuck things up (ok I do that most of the time) but why can't he? He's 18 years old! Why can't he accept the fact that when something goes wrong, 99% of the time it's his fault. But will he ever admit the fact that it's his fault? In my opinion...no. Ryan is always going to be the kid on the playground that beats up little kids & never admits to it, saying it was their fault & that they're lying. I never liked that kid. Anyways, away from the metphor, I don't think Ryan will ever truly grow up. He's never going to accept responsiblity for things that he does. It's always someone else's fault. He lies a lot too, don't know if I ever mentioned that, but he does lie a lot. More than he really needs to.
What's making me think of this? He didn't go to work today. & I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the first time. & part of it that makes me so angry is that I talked to him online, & he told me that he was mad because he had to work from 11-8. That bastard. He's so irresponsible, I could scream at him. We're going on the Disney Cruise & to Disney World in a month, and it's going to be me & Ryan mostly off on our own, then Mom, Patrick & Caitlin going off on their own. I'm so mad at him I'd hang out with Mom and them just to avoid being with him, with the way I'm feeling right now.
Ok, I'm done. Sorry. I've needed that for a while. Ever build up so much frustration you don't know how to express it? This is one of those moments. I have a lot to think about tonight, I don't think I'll get much sleep. I'm probably gonna go play on our swingset, I'm in that bad of a mood. The last time I did that was when I told one of my friends (who doesn't go to Fairfax) about my short trip down Anorexia lane.
I need someone to talk to, I need to vent. People I used to turn to all of the time (with the exception of Emily) I don't have the chance to talk to a lot. It's weird and I don't like it. I hate this feeling I have right now.
I'm gonna go outside, I'm not doing too good.
