So of course something else happened...something else to add to the list went wrong. It's as though something else NEEDED to happen! What is going on? Where's the lesson here? I don't get it! What's the point? What's trying to be proven? I try to be strong...to keep faith...but I can't do this anymore. Am I being punished?
My step-grandmother, Alda, broke her hip. To add to that, they're being evicted from their home this weekend, have to sell everything and have to move in with Alda's sister and husband because they can't afford a place of their own. Why? I NEED to know what's going to happen, what's going to be proven. It's pissing me off and I can't take this stupid shit anymore. I've been crying for the past hour after I stopped talking to my dad. Nothing's going to get me out of this hole I'm in! So I have to go to Frederickburg this weekend to help pack, which is EXACTLY what I want to be doing. Taking pictures and getting more depressed at how crappy everything in my life is going lately.
All I wanna do is lay and my room and cry and listen to music, can I? No! I have to help people deal with their problems. I just wanna deal with mine! The pressure's too much, nothing seems worth it anymore, what's the point?
What's the point of acting now? So I can make money? It's material, can be lost in a day, my grandparents are a major example with that. Fuck the Oscar I've been dreaming for, fuck everything. It's not worth it anymore. I wanted to do something nice for Meredith's birthday, but I can't. I can't pretend to be happy anymore. I can only wait for tomorrow when some teacher starts to give me shit. I know I'm gonna break down. Too much at once...I can't fucking handle this anymore.
I'm going to bed. No...when will things get better? When is life going to become easy for me? I can't stop crying! What's wrong with me? I'm so weak, so helpless...I haven't this unhappy in soooo long! I can't do anything anymore it's too hard to deal with. It's too late to call Emily and that's all I need right now...her! Nothing's working. I talked to Dave today but I ended up getting really frustrated and couldn't talk to him about what I wanted to...everything. He used to make all of my problems dissapear too...a good best friend does. He's not online either. Why am I so emotional? Why do I fuck everything up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Why does everyone get the wrong impression of me? What will it take to make me happy? What can I do to restore my faith in God? What's going to bring me closer to my Mom? What's going to let me talk to Emily about everything going on in my head? When is Dave going to realize that I need to talk to him about everything going on lately? When's Eric going to realize that I like him more than he realizes? When are problems going to be over for my Dad? When am I going to get the courage to tell my Mom about my smoking? When am I going to stop being so self concious and fucking insecure? When am I going to tell people what I really think about them...or how much they mean to me? Where is the light at the end of the fucking rainbow? When is my brother going to straighten his life out? When is everything going to become easy again? When am I going to be happy?
