So, Zack has just had his surgery (because of his chest, problems from way back when) and me, his Mom and his Dad are sitting in the hospital room. He's sleeping, or unconcious, I don't remember, who can be sure? All that makes noise is the *beep*beep*beep* of the machine that measures his breathing. Finally, I get so ansy I go up to him and start whispering for him to wake up, that I love him and that he's been sleeping long enough. A good thirty seconds goes by of this, and all of the sudden he flat lines. I mean his heart stops, the machine is one constant droning sound and everything freezes. I paniced, I mean...I freaked out. I started shaking him, lying dead in the hospital bed, screaming for him to get up. His Dad had to pry me away from him, but I was hysterical. All I could say to myself was This is a dream...just wake up and you'll be in his arms and everything will be ok. But I didn't wake up right away. When dreams get too scary, I've become able to wake myself up. Just wake up, Shannon, that's all you have to do before everything turns okay again...just wake up! But I couldn't. I kept screaming for him to wake up, that I loved him, that I needed him. But what if I'm not dreaming? What if this is real? What if Zack just died in front of me? Doctors came in and took his pulse, shaking their heads, they reached down and pulled the sheet up over his head.
That was when I woke up.
It was so fucking scary. I immediately reached for him. I pulled his body towards mine, and the first thing I said was, "Please don't leave me." I freaked him out. He kept telling me to tell him what was wrong and what happened. No one will understand how real that dream was. I got so shaken I started to cry, right there in his arms. He was there, with me...but I couldn't process it. Nothing was focusing and I was still in a daze. I stuttered to him part of the story, and I know he couldn't understand why I couldn't look into his eyes and realize that he was there. In front of me. Alive.
I like sleeping in his arms...but when I dream about stuff like that, I'd rather be wide awake. Sleep deprived. I don't care, as long as I don't have anymore dreams where he's dying on me. I can't stand being away from him right now. I could've cried when I had to take him home, he got out of the car and walked away, taking one last wave at me. God...I love you so much. I said out loud. How could I not?
That was the first scary dream I've had in a long time. If you laugh at me for having it...communication is off. I'm not kidding. I was hysterically crying, I'm not joking. It took me forever to process that he was looking back at me, telling me he loved me, that he was there and wasn't leaving.
...let's shoot for a good dream tonight. I won't be able to wake up in his arms, so where would my comfort be if I had another nightmare?
