Here I am, pretending I'm not hurt when I am. Pushing my feelings further down & not addressing them. Sitting in solitude listening to my music, trying to finish Tolkien. I've become so good at hiding my feelings, it should be considered an art form for me by now. Half of you don't really know me, & that's no one's fault but my own & I realize that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so scared of becoming so vulnerable or make myself seem weak (in your eyes), but that's always going to be a fear of mine. No matter how much I try to hide it, I'm worried about what other people think of me, even my closest friend. But I'm 15, isn't that just apart of life? Everyone feels insecure at some point, why do I always make it seem like such a big deal in my case? I should stop making it seem like I'm the only 15-year-old girl who is sickeningly insecure, or self-concious, or hates herself. Scary reality huh? Yep, I hate myself. Everything I've become, & everything about me. I ruin everything I'm involved in, isn't that wonderful? & I know that it seems like I'm being dramatic and ignoring all of the good things in my life, but there's a lot about me and events in my life I keep quiet and on a need-to-know basis. But hiding things are only going to hurt myself in the long run.
The people I've opened up to I often times regret. Either I haven't known them for very long & I end up opening up about my anorexia or something supid, & up until recently I had only told a couple people about my considering suicide in the beginning of Sophomore year. Did you all know that? Bet you didn't, yet another thing about my life you all are learning for the first time. It shouldn't come as such a shock, my life isn't perfect. I can put on a mask & pretend like nothing bothers me and pretend like I have a great family & love them all dearly but that's bull shit. I'm not even going to pretend my family is normal. It's royally screwed up & I hate that so much. I hate what my family has done to me, to my friendships, to my relationships...it sucks & for as long as I live it's going to effect me. Everyday has become this battle for me with my family, everyday I'm avoiding arguments or alligations or pretending the stupidest fights aren't actually happening. I'm ignoring it. Yet another thing I'm ignoring.
I'm going to sit back, pretend nothing's wrong. Pretend I'm fine & happy & that life is picture perfect. Would you notice a difference in me?
