I seem to be crying more lately this week than I have in the past couple of months. It's weird, but when I get like this the "thoughts" seem to just pour out,
I had a couple talks with people today, and yesterday. Frances and I talked yesterday, about a few things, which ended up leading to a discussion on God. Which, coinsidentally, is the same conversation I had with Meredith today. She was sitting all alone, and no matter how cute she is when she thinks no one's looking, I could tell by her stance that something was wrong so I went over to her. She seemed upset, so we talked about some stuff and after the conversation died down a bit I thought of the talks Frances and I had. So I asked Meredith when the last time she prayed was, and she said that she couldn't remember when it was. She's like me in the sense where she doesn't really pray...she just asks why.
I read a book a while ago, it was like a girl's journal and throughout it she goes through all of this stuff with her parents and suddenly becomes part of the famous crowd (blah, blah, blah...it was no Harry Potter) and through the course of it she started getting "right" with God. And all of this stuff happened...and I realized that at the end of the book it was such BS. (So PC when I'm talking about God, huh?) The author made it seem to simple to be faithful and "right" and have your faith seem to easy. I'm sorry, but this is High School. And it seems like not being Christian is suddenly the cool thing to do. And the book made me mad (I still haven't taken it back to the library) but mainly because how easily the girl's faith was depicted.
Anyways...my faith seems to come and go. It's like that scene in Dogma when Rufus and Bethany (I think that's who it is) are talking and they're talking about faith. And Rufus says that faith is different for when you're younger and older, because when you're younger religion is like a small glass that's full of water, or your faith, but as you get older the glass becomes bigger, and suddenly that same (small) amount of faith just doesn't cut it anymore. I with that I thought of God and religion and everything like that now the same way I did when I was 6.
I think that my faith in God really took a turn for the worst when Grandma got cancer. It's not that I didn't believe in God, there's no doubt in my mind that he's there, it's the fact that I wanted to know more than anything else why my Grandma had to go through Chemo and radiation and all of the hospital visits and surgeries and pain and torture for no reason at all. Then, as she got better and healthier and got back to normal some of it was restored. Then Mom got cancer, and that hit me harder than anything else. I was frustrated because I could'nt figure out why God would want our family to go through some of the things. So when Mom went in for reconstructive surgery (the last real time I prayed) I realized how ungrateful I am. I beg and plead and try and try to figure out why some of the worst things happen to me, but never really take into consideration the good things he does.
Zack may not believe in God, but I know for a fact that God has put him in my life for a reason. And I know that this whole entry is weird, and mainly just me rambling with no point, but I know that I owe a lot of happiness to Zack and the fact that he has played a big role in my life (in a relatively short amount of time.) My Grandmother and Mom are healthy...yadda, yadda, yadda.
I just feel ungrateful sometimes. Then again...why so much pain?
