I was told to not be sad, so I deleted a paragraph that I had written because he would take it the wrong way. The only thing that matters is that I love him and I'm sorry he had a bad day. I wish I could've helped...don't be sad. I'm done. Moving on...
I looked at Maggie at one point at the Thespian Banquet earlier and said "Holy shit...we're almost seniors. Just one more year." I'm not ready for this. I see Krissy, Mauren, Gastrock...they all seem like they're ready to move on and become adults and begin the rest of their life...but I don't see myself getting to that point. Everyday I come more and more to the realization that I like acting a lot, but it isn't exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I would love to be able to do something acting-related, but I don't think I'd be able to do it full time. But, teaching is something that I know I would enjoy doing, I love kids, and money isn't important to me. (Obiously, if it was I'd get into computers or something.)
I just need someone there, through the thick and the thin. My support. My rock. My bit of sanity in this crazy ass insane world. And I know, without a doubt, that it's going to be Zack. I'm marrying him...there's no question in my mind. As long as I have that one person (this would be Zack) to love me through all of the shit and the drama that I bring into everyday life, I know that nothing will phase me. Well, too much.
I just need love. Love and happiness, and thank God I've found that with Zack. I'd be such a mess without him. Hell, I'm a mess when I'm not with him every five seconds, imagine what it'd be like without him from the get-go. Eek! I need him like I need oxygen, like the fishes need water, like Harry Potter needs his magic wand (ok, you get my drift yet?)
I just wish he understood how much he actually means to me. How much I actually need him in my life, because I know for a fact that he doesn't know. I don't think that he's ever fully understood the impact he's had on my life. Last summer was hell, I broke up with him for a stupid reason and was consequently miserable at Disney World, the Bahamas and camp. I hope that over time he's able to understand how much I need him and love him, because lately it seems like he's got no fucking clue how much.
I just love him.
