It's like everything gets twisted around and it's all suddenly my fault. Like I'm not taking into consideration anyone else's feelings. I'm not that shallow people, I mean come on. And never, ever tell me that I take anyone for granted. That's fucked up, and it's not true. I know everything that you've ever done for me is because you love me and want me to be happy, so don't think that I just sit back and watch you do things for me, Zack. You make it seem like when I do little things that make you mad I'm doing them on purpose, as though I'm trying to hurt you or make you upset. I don't know why you have this pre-conceived notion that I'm out to break your heart ("I don't think that, Shannon.") Yes you do. You just won't say it. You take everything so personally, like every word that comes out of my mouth, and every time I move, or every time I think something it's all because I want you to get hurt. Do you not know me at all? You always make me out to be the bad guy, like everything is always my fault. Fuck that!
Then you underestimate my love for you, which...honestly Zack, makes me want to punch you in the face. You always talked about how you were scared when I started work that I would meet someone new and fall in love and forget about you. Saying something like that, almost makes me want to try and do it. I'm tired of people not taking into consideration my feelings and thoughts, and assuming things about me. Don't assume anything (#1 rule in Journlaism: When you assume something you make and ass out of u and me.) because that just makes you look stupid, and gets me upset.
And I know that I do things that make you angry, and I'm not perfect...nor do I claim to be, and I know that I do mess things up sometimes, but accept that. I ignore a lot of things that are said and done that truthfully hurt me. I don't bring up certain conversations because as soon as I say something you apologize without letting me explain my case. Because it's like I said, you hear me say things...but you don't actually listen to what I have to say. You don't take these ideas and thoughts and process them, you mark them on a piece of paper and promise "You'll change," when that is nothing near to what I want you to say right then. Because you don't understand where I'm coming from, and don't pretend like you do.
You think that I'm going to fully open up to you.
And I'm sorry, but I won't. I won't let myself do that, because this is going to be one of the only cases where I am putting myself in front of anyone else. You can sit there and tell me that you think I'm going to open up to you all of the way, but no...I fucking won't. And you need to understand that, not just hear it. There are things in my life that you are never going to understand, and you need to accept that. I'm not going to go into great detail about everything in my life that I'm not happy with because that, of course, gets me unhappy or depressed. Accept that. Move on. And if you can't? What are we doing?
Yesterday you asked me if I still wanted to be in this relationship, and if I wanted to work at it, and if I love you. And I said yes to all three. But what if I had said 'No' Zack? Would you have understood why? Would you have taken into consideration that I'm falling into my depression again?...because I am. I didn't eat for half of winter break, Zack. I'm getting to be exactly the way I was before. Scared?
I sure as Hell am.
I don't want you to say anything, and I don't want you to do anything. I just want you to understand part of where I'm coming from. Not just listening. Because I do love you, and you know that, and I do want this to work...but I won't tell you everything, I'm never going to fully trust you with my heart, because it could be too easily broken, and sometimes...no matter what...I'm just not going to be happy.
...and no. I don't want to talk about it.
