And then the shit hits the fan.
*sigh* When things took a turn for the worst, I don't know when. Ok, well I do know when. I opened my big mouth. It was a cheap shot, and I probably shouldn't have said it at that moment...but damn, I mean...it's true, isn't it?
I'm just in a shitty mood right now. I feel bad because I've made Zack feel like shit, and unpurposely (is that a word?) It's like I finally get to a point in my relationship when I feel like it's perfect, like both of us are really happy and we haven't gotten in a lot of fights lately, neither of us are extremely insecure, we're laughing a lot...then something stupid or mean or vindictive or petty gets said and everything changes. Thanks to me, tonight royalling ended crappily (that's right...crapilly.)
Saw Anger Management, and it sucked.
Hung around with Zack, ended up ruining the good time we had been having.
I wish I was something more like the girlfriend I think he deserves. I'm definitely not that girl, doesn't he realize that? I love him so incredibly fucking much, and there's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to marry him...but there are times when I want to ask him if he knew that there was better than me out there. Shorter. Prettier. Sweeter. Nicer. Quieter. Less sarcastic. Less bitchy. Less tempermental. More patient. Why can't I change all of that about myself? Why can't I become the girlfriend I know that he needs?
Dear Diaryland, it seems as though you've become big problems for me again. I'm not going to stop writing, I've gotten to a point in my diaryland when I don't feel like I have to censor myself. When I have something to say about someone, I'm not going to hesitate. Why just think bad things, why not actually say things? Why keep it bottled up inside where everyone knows I'm thinking it, but am too afraid to actually come out and say it?
I'm not happy with myself at the moment. Quite on the contrary actually. I'm curious about my weight, but afraid that if I weigh myself I'll be uber-unhappy with the results (keep in mind, it's midnight and I haven't done more than eat chips and salsa today, so I'll definitely be weighing a lot.)
Zack told me the other day, after the whole ordeal with my Dad happened, that he'd "never hurt me like [my] Dad did." Wow...that was most definitely not the thing that I needed to hear. I brushed it off, and even after he said it for the third time I pretended like he hadn't said it. I don't want to be told that my boyfriend isn't going to hurt me like my Father has. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't my Dad be coming to my rescue when my boyfriend stands me up? It's comforting knowing that Zack won't hurt me like that, because I know for a fact that he isn't capable of hurting me to that degree...but at the same time, it's my Dad. And it hurt that Zack felt he needed to say that to me.
I miss everyone from school.
I'm angry and I'm going to bed. Good night.
