Last night I sat down at the computer on the phone with Zack and started rummaging through older entries of mine. Big, gigantic, whopping mistake. It only made me upset. I read over time when I was dating Eric (seems like forever-ago doesn't it?) then when I was dating Zack the first time, but I liked reading those. I remembered how happy I was, then all of the mess when we broke up. The big mess. I'm not sure how I feel about all of 'em, I was so close to deleting half of 'em, but I'm too chicken. I know that eventually I'm going to want to go back and read over all of the ones I have. Then after I started reading them it was almost as though I couldn't stop. Being on the phone with Zack had it's ups and downs at the time. It was good because when I would read over all of the happy memories I had he was right there, then I remembered when I was angry with him (or something along those lines) and I didn't know what to say or how to feel. I thought it would be okay to read over all of them, but in the end I went to sleep "weirded" out and wanting to cry.
That's me. Big baby.
I blow things out of proportion (I'm doing it right now, aren't I?) and I do it all the time. I make myself feel like the only person who is going through bad times and try to gain sympathy. Granted, there are people in my life who do this worse than me (a lot of my friends do it, and half the time they don't realize it, but whatever. It's not like I don't do it, right?) But I wonder why I write down (most) all of the problems that I have, when it seems as though the majority of you don't care, or I just don't know the people who do read my diary. Ya know? Then again, I claim that this diary is such a release and I can write down thoughts and ideas down faster on the computer than I can at home (in my "real" journal.)
I think I just need to mellow out once in a while.
