I don't know how I do it.
I can be having a great time, shopping for Secret Pals gifts, then all of the sudden I say something without thinking. I didn't mean it. I didn't think that it would be taken out of context. And now I feel like a huge asshole, mainly because I had to be asked, "Well...you don't even know what you said in Target, do you?"
WHAMMO! I feel like an ass hole and I don't even know what I said.
I didn't mean it. You know that. And if you don't, it hurts me that you don't know me that well. It hurts me, literally, that you think I'm not physically attracted to you. Babe, I'm attracted to you in every way possible. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I have huge characteristic flaws that you don't even know about because I'm too ashamed to talk about them. You say you're comfortable with it around me, but sometimes I think that you're just saying that to get me off of your back.
I cried on the way home from dropping you off to. I don't mean to hurt you. It's never my intention. But it's amazing to me how easily I can fuck something up without even realizing it.
Hah. Hah. Hah.
So, yeah, Opening Night. It was the usually; a bit of bitching, lots of laughing (especially on stage, grr to Brittney), singing, dancing...blah blah blah. My Dad came, I called him before the show started to get him to come. He said that he wasn't coming Friday or Saturday, so he practically left that minute to come see me. Then he left during intermission. Steven was "falling fast" (according to my Mom) so they left. Thanks, Dad. Way to see me sing.
I had a blast, don't get me wrong. Brittney and I were laughing backstage and onstage. Jimmy and Kristen were incredible. JP and Cally were amazing as usual. I was happy to get off of the stage though. Happy to come home to my bed, after seeing my friends, Zack, and my parents after the show.
Yeah, there were catches. You better believe there were catches.
My Dad wasn't there. Patrick didn't say a word to me. My Mom told me I was most definitely not going to Hooters with the rest of the cast, and the second I saw Zack I felt like shit it again. He can't hide it from me. I can see it in your eyes.
Everytime something bothers you I can tell. Eyes are the gateway to your soul, aren't they? There's only so many things I can say to you to make you realize how sorry I am. There's only so many ways I can show you that I love you. But don't lie to me and tell me that nothing's wrong. Your eyes change. They darker, and it's scary to me knowing that I caused the pain that surfaces in your eyes when I fuck another thing up.
...lets see if I can fall asleep tonight.
