I know that I deserve this. The sleepless nights when I cry, blaming myself for everything that's gone wrong in the relationship. I've hurt him. I've hurt him fucking bad...so I see it as Karma. I deserve every ounce of guilt, pain, regret...every tear that falls has a purpose.
It's so hard to look at him when I think about it. How could I have done it? How could I have been so stupid? I don't know why. I have no answers, the answers that he deserves and craves so much.
I always hope for that split second when I could lose control of the wheel, or the possibility that the person in the car next to me is drunk, and may swerve and hit me, veering me off the road. I'm not going to kill myself, but for that split second...when the tears blur my vision that much...there's the though. What if... Would he know? Would he truly understand how hard it is for me to look him in the eye, when I know that there's so much pain behind it? He's got gorgeous eyes. Pale green...making me go weak in the knees. Eyes tell everything about a person. I see pain. I see someone who wants all the answers, the answers I don't have.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
I don't know how to make it up to him. I don't know what to tell him to make him understand why I can't explain to him what happened or why, because I don't fucking know.
Then there's the friends issue. He doens't get it. I need my friends, I can't ignore them. I couldn't go to Andi's surprise party because I didn't want Zack to worry or get upset. I didn't go to Teresa's party, because, even though he was invited, I knew he'd be uncomfortable when we're there. I'm not used to that. I'm the loud one, I'm the one mingling with everyone...I don't stand off to the side, shy and alone. That's not me...it's practically a culture shock when he acts like that. I don't want to have to defend him...I want him to fucking realize that these people actually want to be his friend.
Babe, you always say how you don't have many friends...you never fucking try! (I get a cheap shot too...) You sit at home and wait for the world to come to you...get out there, talk to people, start something. You can't expect everyone to know that you're suddenly not doing something with me, so they'll automatically know that you want to do something.
I can't think straight, nothing I've said makes sense. I'm turning off my cell tonight...don't call me. Sleep. Don't sleep.
I'm tired...
