Sometimes I just with I knew what to say. I knew the exact thing that everyone wanted to hear to keep them happy. My life has always been so controversial, I can't handle it anymore. I'm too loud, tall, opinionated, sarcastic, vulnerable, insincere, obsessive, insecure...there's always a huge fault of mine someone is glad to point out to me. Dwell on, focus on...and make sure I know exactly what it is. Everyone does it, good or bad. Zack calls me beautiful. In SAT Preps I'm the tall girl. I'm the sarcastic one at work...it's a never ending cycle. Labels suck. I'm not blind, I know that I'm going to be labeled for the rest of my life, everyone gets labeled, whether they want to admit it or not. Punk. Poser. Preppie. Jock. Ditz. It's there, you can't escape it. Maybe I'm just unhappy with the way things turned out in the long run for me, on how I've turned out. There's a lot I would change about myself if given the oppertunity.
First, I wouldn't be so tall. Take a good two inches off me, put me at about 5'9" (my height Freshman year) and I'm set. I liked being that tall, the majority of guys were taller than me with the exception of a few...I was comfortable with that. Now I stick out like a sore thumb.
Second, I woulnd't be so loud. I never seem to know when to quiet down as it is, so if I took it down a couple notches then I think I'd be set. In The Hottest State there's a girl Samantha, and she's described as always talking two octaves too loud in sincere situations. I'm that girl. I never know when I shut up.
Third, I'd be nicer to Zack. I don't mean to be such a bitch to him all of the time, and I'd like to think that I'm getting better at not getting annoyed so easily...but you all have to understand that I have seen him everyday this summer vacation. I'm spending virtually all of my freetime with him, I don't get a break. So when he's around me all of the time I end up taking out everything on him, even if it's not his fault. Do I feel bad about it? Hell fucking yes. I hate knowing that I hurt him when he's done nothing wrong, but that's just me...I guess. (Shitty excuse, isn't it?)
Fourth, I wouldn't have been so obsessive in the past, because it's only led to trouble. I don't care about that crap anymore, I honestly don't. I ripped up my big Orlando Bloom poster last night into shreds to try and get that message across to Zack...I don't care. I just used to always be "that girl" that was like that with movie stars, I liked that...it made me stand out with friend (I guess.) Now it's a pain in the ass and only gets me into trouble with my boyfriend. I wish it would just go away.
Then there are the things that I can't change. My vulnerability, my insecurities...those are going to follow me around the rest of my life. What I've learned is that I can affect how much they play a role in my life. Yeah, I don't like going into public without wearing a bra, but when I'm going to CVS or McDonald's or Borders, and I know I'll only be there for a little while, who cares? Then again, if you'd asked me to do that 9 months ago, I would've told you to fuck off. Then there's my sarcasm...that I don't want to go away. I life off it, feed off it...it "gives me an edge", as Tom said at work one day. If I wasn't sarcastic people would see me as a much bigger bitch than they already do, and we don't need people egging my house because of it.
Every summer I go through this. It's my "I want to change myself" mode. Last year I dyed my hair red and thought that if I quickly changed my outlook on everything then I was set. How naive of me, right? Needless to say, it didn't work. Either I was at camp, thinking about how miserable I was because I didn't have Zack to go home to. On the cruise, trying to take my mind off of Virginia in general...then again knowing I'd be returning and not having the one person I wanted to the most welcome me back. Nothing changed. I was just as miserable and pretending to be happy when I wasn't as before.
I guess that eventually I'll come to terms with the fact that this is me, and I'm not going to be able to do anything to change that. Some people will like that, others will continue hating me. That's life, I guess.
Sucks...don't it?
Friday Five, why not?
1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?Kelie, from Kindegarden. The first day we met eachother we hated the other...we probably should've taken that as a hint.
2. Are you still in touch with this person?No...she turned out to be a backstabbing bitch.
3. Do you have a current close friend?Yep...besides Zack I'd say Meredith is the biggest one.
4. How did you become friends with this person?Girl Scouts when we were little.
5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?Virginia from camp...that chick was awesome.
