I've got a busy night planned. Alone. In my room. Probably without tv. Probably without music. Probably without the computer. Sitting, reflecting on m D+, two D's and my big gigantic F. My mom can sit there and say how I need good grades, it's not registering. So what if I only go to NOVA? Take a few acting classes, get into theatre groups, get the Hell out of Virginia when I get a chance. My mom expects me to follow in her footsteps. Go to college and get a job where I'll never quit, never get fired, stay there quiet and happy for the rest of my life. I can't do that. I want to be seen, I want to be heard. I want that damned Oscar before I die.
I need to tell my mom about my unhappiness. How I feel like I'm lost, I have no where to go, hardly anyone to turn to. There's always going to be Emily, she's going to be there for the rest of my life but sometimes I feel like she's slowly slipping. Zack's here, of course I'm going to him but these are things I have to open up to with my Mom. I've been thinking about therapy. Would it be worth it? And do I really want to tell a complete stranger about my problems as they shake their head, ask rhetorical questions and doodle on their notepad. I don't know if my Mom would take me seriously. I know taht she loves me and wants me to do good in my life, but I just don't care anymore. Sophomore year sucked, I can't wait for it to be over finally.
People see me as so happy all of the time, only proving what a great actress I am. I am getting truly happy though, getting back to the old Shannon that when she smiled she meant it. I'm getting there, but I don't expect to be back that way automatically. I have theatre and mostly Zack to thank for that, but sometimes I wish other things would contribute. My best friend is slipping, she's hanging out with Adam a lot, I know she likes him no matter what she says to me. I see it in her eyes that she wants to date him, she can't lie to me that easily.
So here I am, waiting for Mom to get home. Waiting for my punishment, the punishment I know I deserve but probably won't do anything to change my attitude. Nothing's helping. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one looks at me. I know that's from a movie and I probably quoted it wrong but oh well. That's me. People care about me, I know that don't get me wrong, I just wish people understood me. Know what's going on inside my head so I don't feel like I have to explain everything or defend everything that I say. That gets old fast. When she gets home I'm going to tell her the truth, show her my grades and ask me to do the talking. I want to explain myself, explain my unhappiness and how scared I am. Scared of what? Everything. Sometimes I think my life is no where. I've lost all faith in God, and if Beth read that she'd shoot me, but I can't trust him. He made my Mom and Grandma sick, He made my grandparents get evicted, He let me get this unhappy. If there is a thing as fate, which I don't know what to believe anymore, why would He allow me to get this unhappy? Life is full of questions that are at often times left unanswered, which I hate. I want the answers right away and if I don't get them I get pissy.
I'm just waiting for Hell to arrive.
