The point is, while I sit here in the library, making my third entry of the entire day, I'm forced to think about certain things.
Like my relationship with my dad. Something's happened that I never thought would; the relationship has turned bitter. It's sad, really, that at 17 I hardly talk to my Dad, and when I do it's because my Mom is making me. There's no real reason for it, other than the fact that I think we're both too head strong to finally buckle down and call one another. That, and the fact that whenever I see to go there lately, there are surprises there that I never expected to see, then all of the sudden everyone's surprised when I have no idea what's been going on lately. I love him, don't get me wrong. I mean he's my Dad, but sometimes his mannorisms and his beliefs just make me want to hurl. He once told me that he'll never stop smoking pot. Ever. He said he wants to be buried with a bowl, I shit you not. I could've told him to let me out of the car, I was furious. I don't get it...maybe that's the point.
Then I think about school. Jenn probably has the countdown going on how many days left until graduation, but time's slowly but surely ticking away. It's scary...knowing that things are going to change as drastically as they will. Zoe, Zack's sister, keeps (annoying) asking me if I'm planning on going to college with Zack, or if I'm staying close to him for a reason. Then, she takes that information, takes it to Zack's mom, and basically tries to "tattle" on me. Then Zack gets yelled at. Yes, ok? Yes, I want to go to GMU or even to NOVA to stay close to Zack. I don't see why that's so wrong, like everyone else does. I love him, he loves me, I want to stay close to him because he's the only person that actually makes me happy, why does everyone see that as this huge problem and see him as a burden on my college education/leading to my future career? They probably know something that I don't, but the bottom line is that I just love him, and I want to be with him as much as possible. That's why, if I don't go to GMU, I'll more than likely go to NOVA.
Then there's school in general. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I'm learning stuff that I know I'll need for the rest of my life, then there are other times when I think that it's a total and complete waste of time, and that the teachers are a joke and I shouldn't take them seriously. The administration seems more pressed about the dress code than the fact that the majority of the FHS population is failing. Whatever, I'm over it.
Then there's the fact that my Mom and I aren't as close as we used to be. In 6th grade, no one told me secrets because I told my mom everything, literally everything. (Kind of like how no one tells Ashley McKendree anything, because she's kniving. Jenn, I have to talk to you about that...) I was open with her about my needing to go on birth control, and that Zack and I are sexually active...but other than that, she has no idea what's going on in my life. She flips out over my grades, and doesn't even pay attention to me when I try to talk to her about it, and reason with her about what's been going on lately. That's not like her. And, I have to give her credit, because sending Caitlin to Kindegarten when she thinks she isn't ready is taking its toll on her, but it's like she doesn't listen to me when I try to talk to her. That's hard on me.
I'm happy, don't get me wrong, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I've been dating my baby for almost a year (in two days!) straight, I've got friends who are always there for me, school for the most part is going pretty well, I've got a good job...everything is falling into place. But looking into the future is so overwhelming, and I'm realizing that I'm not prepared for anything, literally. There are only a few things that I want to happen in my life, and I feel that I'm not asking much, but they seem so far fetched sometimes. I want to be a teacher, I want to have a family with Zack, I want a good income, I want to be happy...but the likely hood of all those happening seem so far fetched sometimes. It's heartbreaking.
I'm not sure where all of this came from. I'm not sure why there's the sudden flood of insecurity and fear...but sometimes you just have to sit back and think, What the Hell is going on?
Because right now, I have no idea.
Update: Go look at Zack's Diary, look at how I altered my design to give him that picture of the Hulk. I am a genius, and I deserve a medal. (Though no one seems to really care that I did it...) I'm in a crappy mood. I need to go to bed. Just go and marvel (haha, that's the name of the comics) at what I've done. Go! Now!
