People...give me a fucking break! I don't know the answers to everything so stop coming to me for answers. I don' tknow! I want to help you but I dont' know how to sometimes, it's too hard. I don't have all the answers...so sue me! I'm only human! Everyone seems to be hating e/o now, whatever do what you people wanna fucking do.
I smoked a cigarette again today. I feel it during school when I don't have one, I'm craving it...god Dammit. I knew this was going to happen. I knew that I would get into something I know I shouldn't. My grandfather's sick. He's had half of his leg amputated already from blood problems, and there's a possiblity that it's going to happen to the other leg. Wanna know the BEST FUCKING PART? It's hereditary. More than likely anyone in my family could get me. My dad, me, my brother, my cousins, my uncle, my aunt. And it's worse when smoking's involved. I can't take this! First Grandma gets cancer, then Mom gets it. I'm next and it's only a matter of time before Caitlin starts to learn about it. So next to breast cancer, which bascially I'm definetly going to get, I get these blood/amputation problems. I can't take this shit anymore! When is being 21 going to finally get here so I can get the fuck out of Virginia?? I'm tired of being stuck here, please God get me away! I can't go through what my Mom and Grandma did with the cancer, I'm not the strong. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Nothing's going the way it should also.
I'm still unhappy as ever, I don't know what to do.
I talked to Nikki today...I felt horrible because I told her what happened during Spring Break and she wanted to know why I didn't tell her earlier. I've known her for my entire life, I couldn't tell her! I felt so...embarrassed and ashamed talking to her. But she was so understanding and was there while I 'vented', which-oh my god-was exactly what I needed. I still felt weird telling her what happened and talking to her about it.
I wish I was invisible and could learn what people really think of me. I wish I could get inside of people heads. I'm tired of people being so fake around me...if you don't like me...TELL ME! I don't get why people would lie or pretend to be my friend, it's stupid. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything.
Life takes too much energy.
