I'm not sure how you expect me to react every time you bring it up. You get weirded out when I start crying...yeah well, it's not something I really like to remember or want to talk or think about on a regular basis. But that's exactly what's been happening lately, hasn't it?
I like how you didn't at all react last night when I told you that I was suicidal afterwards. Shocked? Shouldn't be. You didn't trust me, you loved me less...yeah, you stayed with me (which is the one and only thing that kept me from fucking killing myself) but nothing was the same. Your eyes drastically changed, and there are only a few times when I see the old you. You were so hurt and so confused, and I didn't (and still don't) have all of the answers for you.
And you have no fucking clue how much that kills me.
I sometimes think I know what you want to hear, but most of the times I can't say it because it's either not true or I just don't remember.
You say that I'm full of shit when you never loved me the same afterwards. Maybe...just maybe, there's something about your manorisms and how you act around me to make me think that way sometimes. Hmm...there's a thought. You think that these thoughts just pop into my head? Out of no where? Something causes them, right? You can't expect me not to hate myself for what I did to you.
And the fact that you have brought it up numerous times within the past week and then say, "I'm sorry, can we just forget I said anything?" drives me fucking crazy. No, Zack, we can't just forget you said anything. Because all of the sudden I get quiet, and I start crying so quietly that even you don't notice and I start thinking, well, maybe he'd be happier with someone else, why doesn't he see that, and you just want me to "forget" you said anything? Are you out of your mind? No...we can change the subject and you can start talking about happier entries and moments that we've had, but I don't forget. It's all I think about. When we're on the phone, when I'm working, when I'm falling asleep.
I love you. Oh my God, you never have and never will understand how much I love you. And that hurts most of all, because I know that it's my fault.
And that's the worst part about it.
