He always makes me feel guilty when I try to do something I want to do. Heaven forbid me hanging out with friends outside of theatre and himself. It's shocking that they exist...I know, but they're still out there and apparently would like to hang out with me. I wish that he couldn't get me this angry, because right now...I'm a Hell of a lot angrier than I'm letting on. I'm pissed beyond belief.
As soon as I make plans for what sounds like is going to be a busy and fun weekend he gets all upset because I still want to go to the party and can't hang out with him. I see him everyday. I talk to him on the phone everyday. I have hung out with him every weekend for the past few months. Let me get away! I know you have to get sick of me at some point, no one can hang around someone else this much without eventually wanting to get away. I'm sorry if it hurts when I say this, but I need a weekend away from you. I need to hang out with girls and goof off and yes, get drunk.
I'm really depressed right now.
Okay?
Does that take everything to a new perspective? I can't get happy. There's a lot going on with Mom and Patrick, my sister hates me more than she loves me, I've completely lost my best friend, the play is going down the drains, my grades are slipping and I know my interum is going to be crappy, and my boyfriend takes to offense everything I say. I'm tired of censoring myself around you. All of you. I'm tired of walking on egg shells because I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings.
MacClary asked me today why I was being such a bitch. I wasn't being a bitch, I was telling things like I saw them. I always do that.
But, of course, I'm perceived as a bitch. I have no one to talk to fully about myself, because I know that in some form or another that person is going to find out and get hurt or angry. I can't live like this anymore!
I'm un-fucking-happy!
And you need to accept the fact that I'm going to have to do things to try to get myself happy again. And if that involves going to parties with my friends and getting drunk, and possibly not seeing you for a whole weekend then you need to accept that and move on. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm not trying to get a rise out of you. I'm not trying to offend you or make you jealous or critisize you or make you question my intentions. I'm trying to live my life the way I want to.
I love you, Zack. I love this relationship. But I hate where I am emotionally and mentally, because I'm in a dark place and I can't fucking find my way out.
...let me find ways to find my way out.
